Letting Go
I've been thinking about what's blocking me from writing and about goals. It's been an interesting exercise, interrogating myself about my desires and lack of forward momentum. I had wanted to be published by my 40th birthday, and that is looking less and less likely. I turn 37 this year, and on average the traditional publication process takes 2 years from signing with a publisher to the book being on the shelf, not including the time it takes to acquire an agent and the time it takes for the agent to shop the book around the publishers. Which means I have 1 year to find an agent and publisher in order to make that deadline, and that all depends on having a manuscript ready, which I currently do not.
I have five novels I have reached "The End" on at least the first draft, and only one of those I've done a second draft. Of those five, three are in very terrible condition, written too fast and before I really knew what I was doing. Of the remaining two, both written during my master's program a few years ago, one is stuck in "I don't know what I want this novel to be" hell and the other is not a good option for a debut, as it's technically a sequel. So no-go on those projects.
I do have four longer works in progress that could be finished if I put my mind to it, but they're all caught in the "I pantsed this and I don't know where I'm going" mess of my writing process1. One of them I've gotten stuck on roughly the same spot through three different pivots to try to get around the sticking point. I don't see myself getting unstuck in the near future, so no-go on those projects at the moment.
Which only leaves the option to draft something brand new, but there are problems with that path too. The largest being "what the heck do I write" since I have an idea valve in my head that I haven't figured out how to turn it off, or even turn down, so there's too many to pick from. The other problem becomes, I have to write and edit it quickly in order to start the querying process sooner rather than later, and right this moment I don't have the brain power or time to fast-draft a brand new novel and then also learn how to revise well enough to feel comfortable to query.
So logically, I am out of time to hit my self-inflicted deadline. After thinking about it, I realized that I'm okay with that. And thinking about it more, I've realized that I have essentially released my desire to publish entirely. Okay, not entirely, it's still a vague "someday" desire, but I think for the time being I want to set it aside and focus on other things. I have a different personal life goal that I'm currently putting all my energy towards.
It feels odd, letting go of the dream of publishing. I've been writing stories since I was 11 and telling stories for longer. I went to school for seven years and three degrees for writing. I have moderated a writing Discord server for almost 6 years, and I'm currently in a writing critique group. I've written well over a million words across half a dozen genres, and I have a hard drive cluttered with hundreds of ideas and abandoned projects on top of the projects listed above. I oriented my entire identity and just about every choice I've made around being a writer. It's a bittersweet feeling. But I'm letting go in favor of something better with a much lower barrier for entry.
And it feels right. I will still write as a hobby2, and maybe someday I'll revisit my goals and try again. But for now I will allow myself to stop feeling guilty for not writing because I'm putting my energy elsewhere.
I both love and hate my writing process. I love the thrill of discovery writing and seeing pieces come together unconsciously, and I hate how I always get stuck because I didn't plan and I don't know where they story is going.↩
Maybe I'll write a little more fanfiction, since that is low stakes with no expectation for publication (except on AO3, if I have the motivation)↩