But It's Okay
The Saga: Part 1. Part 2. Part 3.
Around 9am Friday morning, I received an email. A very important email. An email I wasn't actually expecting until next month, so it came as a big surprise. Inside the email, the gist was "your admission decision is ready, please check the portal for your letter."
Let me tell you, I immediately said, out loud within earshot of my coworker, "oh no, not today, I'm not ready!" Then I panicked, because I have not told my coworker I may be leaving. Then I panicked again because what if the answer is no? What if the answer is yes?? Suddenly I didn't know what I wanted the answer to be. Yes would mean pursuing a dream. But yes would also mean packing up and moving seven hours south and taking a big pay cut. But no would mean I don't have to change anything in my life. But no would mean I'm stuck. Aaahh, the panic!
So all day I kept it inside, with the anxiety bubbling in my chest, waiting to get home to go to the portal and read my letter of rejection or acceptance. The limbo of not knowing is killer. I kept running through the scenarios. If it's yes, I get to go back to teaching, and I love teaching. If it's yes, then I have to pack up and move, and that will be a pain. If it's no, I don't have to tell my coworker I'm leaving her1. If it's no I will have to think of something else to do to keep my sanity and my writing.
Anyway, the answer was no, and yes I cried a little bit. Rejection is hard, especially when in truth I was hoping for that big change. That's why I had applied, right? But the sadness lasted about half an hour at most, and then I was filled with spite. They didn't want me, well I don't want them. I can publish without them. In fact, they'll regret not accepting me. That last part is not actually true, but it's nice to think about.
So what happens now? Well, I suddenly have a lot of motivation to write and publish and show them what's what, so I guess even though I'm not going to school in the fall, I have been pushed back into writing mode, so there's the silver lining.
She has told me that if I ever leave, she's going to leave too.↩